The last few weeks have been...well, difficult? I ended up having complications from the surgery so I had to go back to the doctor the Tuesday afterwards for an ultrasound to see what was going on. The doctor was not sure what was happening; either an infection (although the ultrasound did not show any signs of one) or my body was just reacting adversely due to the number of times I have had a D&C.
Emotionally/Spiritually, I have had a hard time also. I feel like I have taken this loss harder than I have taken one in a long time, including the last two I had before having Brianna. Maybe because it has been so long since I have had to go through this. Things were really bad the week after the surgery. I just didn't care. I functioned...barely. I was depressed and just figured that it was because I was grieving and my body was adjusting to no longer being pregnant. It took a few days to realize that I was just making excuses. After I made that realization and starting talking about the miscarriage that helped.
I still have a long way to come to get back to where I was before. I realized that I starting putting up walls in my heart when we had the first ultrasound that showed the baby was not growing right. I am still trying to knock those walls down...it has not been easy. I feel God let me down. My brain knows that He has a reason for all of this, my heart just wants my baby back. I am fighting daily to restore my relationship with God, but it is a struggle.
We have decided to take a break from trying to have another baby. Two miscarriages in less than 4 months is a little much. We want to make sure we/I am healed physically/mentally/spiritually before we consider it again. We also want to make sure that we want to risk another loss. We have been blessed with Brianna, and as much as I would love to have another baby, I cannot see putting ourselves and Brianna through this anymore.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Knowing that you have been praying for me when I couldn't brings such a sense of comfort. Please continue praying for my complete healing and an even stronger relationship with our Father.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Surgery
The surgery went well but I am still pretty wiped out. I actually slept most of the day yesterday, so I guess they gave me some pretty good drugs. The surgery itself only took 10 to 15 minutes. Actually, I don't remember ever feeling this worn out after a D&C, but my last one was 6 years ago, and unfortunately that means I am a bit older. The pros of having a D&C when you have a missed "abortion" (again, I don't know why they label a miscarriage an abortion, but they do)is that you don't have do deal with the severe cramps/contraction that you would if you waited it out and the bleeding is also significantly less. The cons are that is is more invasive. Besides from being worn out, I don't feel too bad except for my killer sore throat from having a breathing tube inserted for the surgery. Thanks for all the prayers, please keep them coming...I am having a lot of questions right now and dealing with a lot of confusion.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Another Angel
Just wanted to let everyone know that we lost the baby. It passed away a few weeks ago, probably shortly after my original ultrasound. The baby measured about the same as it did last time and did not have a heartbeat. Since my body does not normally miscarry naturally, I will have a D&C Friday morning. Thanks for all the prayers and please keep them coming.
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