Easter pic

I have been meaning to post this pic for awhile she is actually saying "Cheese!"
I know I am partial, but I think she is absolutely adorable!

Happenings

Wow! It has been over two weeks since I last posted! There has been so much going on! Let's start with our doctor's appointments. Since the first of the month we have seen a doctor a total of 6 times with only one being a preventative exam and that was just a dental appointment. I had a trip to the emergency room for the miscarriage, then I have had problems sleeping (due to hormonal fluctuations according to the doctor), Bobby has had an eye infection then a major sinus infection that took a CT scan to detect and Brianna has a middle ear infection in both ears. We have spent an excessive amount on co-pays this month and we still have not received a bill from the hospital yet!
Other than that, we are doing really well. Again, I am really thankful for the way things happened. I truly believe that God is working in our lives through this tragedy. I find it interesting that the Devil feels that since he did not succeed in tearing us apart through the miscarriage that he has been attacking us with illnesses instead. I don't feel as if the two are even on the same level but I guess he feels that he might be able to wear us down with this method. He might be able to but so far we are holding up.
In my last post I was talking about all the miscarriages that have occurred in April. Our third pregnancy ended in a natural miscarriage on April 1, 2002. Our fifth pregnancy, a little girl we named Hannah, ended on April 8, 2003 not the 28th as I posted earlier. And of course our last pregnancy ended on April 4th. I am not writing about this to re-hash things but because I was wrong on my dates for Hannah. We had so much going on when we found out we were pregnant with her...she was actually a surprise. We were in the process of building our house and living with Bobby's parents and I was caring for my grandpa who was dying at the time and we knew that with our history we did not need to be pregnant with all that was going on.
We are still on the mend, but doing very well...just sick, tired and busy!

On my Mind

Things have been going better. I am surprised by how well we are doing actually. I know that it is because we have God in our lives and that He gave us Brianna. I will wake up in the morning kinda down and when she wakes up and I see her smile I cheer up. I know there are still going to be bad days but for the most part we are doing pretty well. Today was one of those bad days. I don't know if it was because of the dreary weather, because I did not sleep well or if it was just one of those days but I have been in a funk all day long.
One thing that has been on my mind is the "coincidences" between this pregnancy and Brianna's. We found out we were pregnant with Brianna and this baby two years apart. The due dates were one day apart; Brianna was due November 30th and this baby December 1st. We had also just got back from out of town when we found out we were pregnant both times.
April is not a good month for us to be pregnant. On April 1st it had been 7 years since our third loss. We lost our fifth baby at the end of April (the 28th?) almost six years ago. I know I shouldn't think like that, but half of our miscarriages have occurred during April. The others happened in December 2000, November 2001 and September 2002.
Our first doctor's appointment would have been next Friday. Maybe my thoughts have something to do with that. We have been praying for answers as to why this happened but we know that we may never know. We are so thankful that the miscarriage happened the way it did and also that Brianna is too little to know what is going on. I have been making sure to enjoy even the smallest things that Brianna does and to appreciate even her bad days. Today was a challenge because every time I put her in her car seat she fought me but instead of getting aggravated I just worked with her. I guess I am getting a little more laid back. Maybe part of the answer is that we forgot what a blessing she is. Anybody who has had a toddler knows how trying they can be. I know that in the chaos and frustration in dealing with her budding personality I forgot how long we waited for her. I have definitely developed a more deeply grounded appreciation for her.

Snack Time

The other day for snack I made Brianna peanut butter crackers. Here is what she did to them:

I guess she is going to be the kind of girl that will eat the creme filling out of her Oreos first too!

All the toys in the world...

and she chooses to play with a snow cone maker and a stick from the smoothy maker.

Daddy/Uncle Bobby

I forgot to post this picture the other day. On our last day of vacation, Bobby sat down and Matthew or Cameron wanted him to read a book. The next thing we know the other one wanted up on his lap...and then of course it was Brianna's turn. Bobby is such a softy!

Reflections

This has been a rough week. Some days have been worse than others. The last few days have been pretty good. I would have to say Wednesday would have to be the toughest of the week. I guess it was because it was the first day I had really been around other people (w/o being spaced out on pain meds) since the miscarriage. It is so hard to function normally when you are so very sad. It was all I could do to get through HOP practice.
Anyways, sad would be the word I would have to use to describe how I feel...very, very sad. Before when we would have a loss, I would feel betrayed by my body. I don't really feel that way this time. I don't know what caused this miscarriage...it may have been my chromosome abnormality or something else. We have never miscarried this early. But it doesn't really matter to me what the medical reason may be. I know that God had his reasons and I truly believe that it is for our best interest.
I know things are going to get better...it is just going to take time. We still want to have another baby...I would really like Brianna to have a sibling. However, if that is not in God's plans for our lives that is okay too. We decided that awhile ago. Brianna is such a blessing...we weren't even supposed to have her. If she is all we are allowed to have we could not be happier...and she will be extremely spoiled!

More Pics from Hilton Head!

Here are more pics from our trip to Hilton Head. We went on a cruise to Savannah and The Sandbox, an interactive children's museum. We also hung out around the resort a lot. Enjoy the pics!

Sunshine in the Darkness

Sometimes, even during your darkest days, there will be a little bit of sunshine. Mine is Brianna. On Saturday, when I knew that I wasn't just spotting but very likely miscarrying I was laying down and started sobbing. Brianna was laying on the bed with me and I was stroking her cheek and rubbing her little feet and thinking that I would most likely never do that with this little one. She comes up to me and hugs me, you can see the look of concern on her face (I guess even at this age she realizes that Mommy does not cry much), she pats my arm and snuggles with me. Here is the funniest thing of all...she takes my hand and grabs my pointer finger and puts it in her mouth and starts rubbing her gums! I don't know if she was thinking that this makes me feel better or if it was more like "Here Mommy, I know you like to do this so I will let you." Anytime I normally put my finger in her mouth she fights me. It was so sweet! Have you ever been sobbing and laughing at the same time?
She is making a huge difference in dealing with this loss. Even the pregnancy was easier to deal with because I knew that all my hopes and dreams did not rest on it. It still hurts...a lot. I think it's just really started to sink in today since I am not drugged out on pain pills. I left church early yesterday because I just wanted to be with her (and I was so spaced out I couldn't pay attention and Pastor Aaron was being particularly loud [sorry Aaron]).
Thanks everyone for all of your prayers, please keep them coming because I know it is going to be a rough few weeks.

Walking through the Darkness

Last Sunday at church, we had a guest speaker, Dr. James Davis. He is really good and had an awesome message. At the end, he asked for all those who wanted to learn to walk through the darkness to raise their hands. Although this is a scary thing to do, Bobby & I both raised our hands. It was particularly scary because we had just found out we were pregnant the day before. This was our seventh pregnancy. We were really excited but told just a few people so they could be praying for us. After we called and set up the doctor's appointments we told our parents and a few others that we are close to. For the first time, I was really excited about being pregnant. I wasn't even this excited about our first pregnancy because I had a ruptured cyst and the doctor was concerned about it.
Unfortunately, we lost the baby yesterday. I was very difficult to have to go through that again. But I know that God is faithful. Why do you ask? Because I asked God that is something was wrong with this baby and I was going to miscarry that it would happen before our scheduled doctor's appointment and that it would happen naturally. And that is what happened.
Why did he not answer our other prayers regarding this baby, I do not know. I do know however that God always has our best interests in mind. I hope and pray that we do have another baby, although I know I am extremely blessed to have Brianna.
Please keep us in prayer over the next few weeks. We greatly appreciate it.

Trying to recover...

from vacation! I cannot believe how draining vacation can be! We have been home since Friday evening and I am still drained! We had a lot of fun! Some highlights included Brianna and our youngest nephew, Cameron, refusing to take a bath the first night! They both screamed...you would of thought we were trying to drown them...not bathe them! I was really hoping to get a pic of the three of them in the tub together but that was just not meant to be! We had our sister-in-law so paranoid that she might be pregnant that she went and bought a pregnancy test...she wasn't. It was fun picking on her though! On the way down, we ran into three traffic jams...one of them over an hour long! We ended up detouring so I don't know how long we would have been stuck there! After breakfast, I noticed our rear driver's side tire was flat...not just a little but completely! The rim was on the ground! Luckily, where we stopped there was a co-op that did tire repair about 5 minutes down the road! They did a good job and were cheap! Of course we had to hit the outlet mall! We did pretty good. We bought all of Brianna's dressy clothes and a few extras and spent only about $100! Then Nana went and bought a few outfits for each of the kiddos! They are all ready for spring & summer and Brianna even has a couple of things for fall!
Unfortunately, it was too cool to really hang out at the beach but we did go for about an hour one morning! It was fun, but cool and windy! We spent a lot of time at CVS and Walgreen's while there. Brianna was having a lot of problems with allergies so we had to buy Benadryl and Claritin. Then poor Cameron was having diarrhea from antibiotics he was on for a sinus infection so we had to get Pedialyte and then cream for the yeast infection he got also. Poor things! All things considered, all three of the kids behaved pretty well...but they all had their moments!
I still have pictures to post from the trip but I was having internet problems while we were there and just have not felt up to it since we got back! Please give me some time and I hope to have them up...there are some really cute ones!