Sunshine in the Darkness

Sometimes, even during your darkest days, there will be a little bit of sunshine. Mine is Brianna. On Saturday, when I knew that I wasn't just spotting but very likely miscarrying I was laying down and started sobbing. Brianna was laying on the bed with me and I was stroking her cheek and rubbing her little feet and thinking that I would most likely never do that with this little one. She comes up to me and hugs me, you can see the look of concern on her face (I guess even at this age she realizes that Mommy does not cry much), she pats my arm and snuggles with me. Here is the funniest thing of all...she takes my hand and grabs my pointer finger and puts it in her mouth and starts rubbing her gums! I don't know if she was thinking that this makes me feel better or if it was more like "Here Mommy, I know you like to do this so I will let you." Anytime I normally put my finger in her mouth she fights me. It was so sweet! Have you ever been sobbing and laughing at the same time?
She is making a huge difference in dealing with this loss. Even the pregnancy was easier to deal with because I knew that all my hopes and dreams did not rest on it. It still hurts...a lot. I think it's just really started to sink in today since I am not drugged out on pain pills. I left church early yesterday because I just wanted to be with her (and I was so spaced out I couldn't pay attention and Pastor Aaron was being particularly loud [sorry Aaron]).
Thanks everyone for all of your prayers, please keep them coming because I know it is going to be a rough few weeks.