Happenings

The last few weeks have been...well, difficult? I ended up having complications from the surgery so I had to go back to the doctor the Tuesday afterwards for an ultrasound to see what was going on. The doctor was not sure what was happening; either an infection (although the ultrasound did not show any signs of one) or my body was just reacting adversely due to the number of times I have had a D&C.
Emotionally/Spiritually, I have had a hard time also. I feel like I have taken this loss harder than I have taken one in a long time, including the last two I had before having Brianna. Maybe because it has been so long since I have had to go through this. Things were really bad the week after the surgery. I just didn't care. I functioned...barely. I was depressed and just figured that it was because I was grieving and my body was adjusting to no longer being pregnant. It took a few days to realize that I was just making excuses. After I made that realization and starting talking about the miscarriage that helped.
I still have a long way to come to get back to where I was before. I realized that I starting putting up walls in my heart when we had the first ultrasound that showed the baby was not growing right. I am still trying to knock those walls down...it has not been easy. I feel God let me down. My brain knows that He has a reason for all of this, my heart just wants my baby back. I am fighting daily to restore my relationship with God, but it is a struggle.
We have decided to take a break from trying to have another baby. Two miscarriages in less than 4 months is a little much. We want to make sure we/I am healed physically/mentally/spiritually before we consider it again. We also want to make sure that we want to risk another loss. We have been blessed with Brianna, and as much as I would love to have another baby, I cannot see putting ourselves and Brianna through this anymore.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Knowing that you have been praying for me when I couldn't brings such a sense of comfort. Please continue praying for my complete healing and an even stronger relationship with our Father.